Gender-related Topics Contributed by Bob Hartman
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Kings and Paupers
by Bob Hartman
We men are kings and paupers. We are scientists and thinkers and makers. We are Renoir and Einstein, philosophers and the Magellans of old; and now, the brave neophytes of Mars and the furthest reaches of space. We are the mathematician AL-Khwarizmi and the emperor Asoka. We are Buddha and Jesus Christ.
Wherever we have gone we are known for our magnificent alchemies that skillfully combine earth, air, fire and water to create the vast array of cultures, art forms, architectures, technologies and sciences that we have today.
But this is not a story of male courage, genius or bravery. This is a story of a gender gone berserk because even more impressive than our great cities like Singapore or London, or robotic rovers tooling along the surface of an airless, dusty Mars over 100 million miles away, is our zeal to conquer, tear down and kill what is not like us.
Men have spent billions of hours and even more vital resources building civilizations and infrastructures only to pull them down over and over, simply because we men go “ape shit” whenever we hear the “D” word: ‘different’.
We routinely go, either by robotic proxy or in person, where ‘no man has gone before. But that’s missing the point; men also go where they are not wanted or needed.
Men are one half geniuses, and one-half destroyer but from the dearth of social progress it looks like they are more destroyer than genius. More dismantlist than maker.
Lack of knowledge and ignorance are things we move on from, that’s what science and spirituality are for, but in some places in America, perhaps the whole damn world, willful ignorance is prized and ‘high-fived’, no better example of intellectual sloth.
I can hear it now. “But wait, it’s more complicated than that!”. Really? If you will permit me to slaughter that old axiom about fishing*: Men go to war never knowing it’s not the enemy they are after.
They are chasing after their wounded small boy selves who are just trying to get home to their hearts and they’re late for dinner.
Who cares if it’s God, envy, self-loathing or race that triggers men to commit violence. At the end of the day, whatever the excuse, every time a man acts out, however violently, racist or misogynistically, he is committing “OTHER-CIDE”.
It’s a relapse into the ancient and highly addictive patterns of stuffing, hiding and not dealing with our emotions, which boil over in a range of atrocities, from micro-aggressions to horrific acts of cruelty. Othercide.
I don’t care if you live in the East or the West, I don’t care if your Mercury is squaring Mars or if you consulted with “Great Wizards”, the problem is not complicated and it is not a forgone conclusion. We men are addicted to murder and mayhem just as we are to the numbing effects of alcohol.
We don’t want to feel our deep pain. It’s too big, and we don’t want to face who hurt us. It’s too big. We steel ourselves against the fact that after 7,000 years of running the show we men have made a real mess of everything.
Believe it or not, we are actually killing an entire planet! Why? Because hubris is bigger than heart. Because we humans lack the insight of how incredibly vulnerable boys and men are to trauma and how much pain we men are carrying.
Do we hate the feminine and vulnerable so much that we would even kill her? My goodness, the lengths we men will go to avoid feeling. The walls we build.
We are more than scared, hiding our fragility and neediness behind walls of blood, bravado and rubble for thousands of years; the amphetamine of violence fools us into thinking we are solving a problem with our B-1 bombers; that spilling blood and demonizing our neighbors will heal our most ancient broken-heartedness.
When a man commits a violent act today, he’s not only re-animating a violent act from his, and the male-collective past, he also guarantees the reach of violent men into the future, War and violence are the paperwork of unresolved trauma and “unreported” broken boy hearts on an epic scale.
To paraphrase Von Clausewitz** (On War, 1832),
War is the continuation of the wounded self by other means.
We tell ourselves it’s about territory, that we have to protect ourselves, or that God is on our side, but the real scary part is how willing men are to act out of those profoundly “wounded spaces” with indecipherable, white-hot rage.
The expression of woundedness through rage and violence drowns out the inner cry and provides the illusion of privilege and security; toxic and clueless. Despite his sciences and lofty ideals, with 7 millennia of arrested social evolution under his belt, he is stuck in 2nd gear, using the only strategies patriarchy has to offer:
Stoicism, Homophobia, Aggression and Misogyny (SHAM).
We men use SHAM to manage ourselves and to control the “other”. SHAM not only defines boys and men within a very narrow sphere, these “plagues of masculinity” damn them too.
As toxic and destructive as patriarchy is for women, girls and the environment, it extracts a gruesome price from boys and men. Sometime before puberty, and always too soon, a boy is expected to start acting like a man; stoic and unfathomable.
The first day a young man puts his mother’s kisses and cuddles behind him and turns and walks away – not with other men, as we suppose. He walks alone; and that is the last day of his childhood, the last day of summer.
As a soldier, he is thrown into the fires of war as though his precious and one life is a mere stick of kindling.
We men suicide at a rate 3.5 times that of women. We are emotionally brittle and 4 times more likely to suffer from *Asperger’s Spectrum Disorder or dyslexia. Even in the best of times, we die earlier from most causes than do women.
Boys suffer greatly from the rigid self-definitions that SHAM confers, sometimes paralyzing the deepest fathoms of their spirit in what Leonard Shengold, M.D. calls “Soul Murder”. The loss of that boy-spirit is a tragedy for him, yes; but the loss to the wider community, his “village”, is incalculable.
Who can say, had it not been for SHAM, that perhaps this particular boy – wherever he may be – and the millions of casualties like him, would have been the one to solve the problems of fusion power, or find a cure for Lou Gehrig’s disease, or finally thread the needle of Middle Eastern peace?
A boy is a terrible thing to waste.
“What’s Eating Men” is the next evolution of a blog that I began 5 years ago, called “Ending Patriarchy”. That blog was live for several years; but it did not spark the conversation I was hoping for. As far as I was concerned, no one was listening.
The last thing most men want to discuss is: “Why do we cause 90% of the problems of the world?”
The #MeToo movement is revolutionary; but it is just one of the many Maginot lines in the effort to overturn the old order, where men are responsible for horrific human rights abuses, stunning inequalities, and environmental catastrophes. Even after seven millennia of male domination, we continue to recycle all of our ancient grievances.
Any progress, even Democratic Socialism, will be short-lived if we fail to drill down into the “clock movements” of what we do to boys, find out exactly “What’s Eating Men”, and change the course of the river.
Resisting and transforming toxic masculinity has always been my primary focus, because there is not a single global malady that men are not at the bottom of. NO JOKE.
Just look at Donald Trump’s “successful” bid for the presidency, which created a smokestack of billowing toxic masculinity that rivals the fumes of any Chernobyl.
Even with the increased contributions of women in science and government, we are still hurtling towards the abyss of runaway climate warming or World War 3. Take your pick.
We are well past the “subtle” signs of climate change and social and economic upheaval. We don’t need any more proof that we men are “leaning into” war and chaos once again. We don’t need to know how to build higher walls, increase the kiloton yield of a modern nuclear weapon, or any other stupid man projects, like hypersonic missiles.
What we need now is a RADICAL shift in how we raise boys*
Men can be brilliant. We don’t need proof of that, but our genius and jaw-dropping technologies occupy the same space-time as social chaos, global anxiety, another arms race and rabid nationalism. We don’t have to be rocket scientists to know that true progress and war are mutually exclusive.
The simple fact is that Patriarchy is an eco-cidal agent, Patriarchy is no different from the weed killer Roundup, it sickens everything it touches and operates on a planetary scale.
When will we, as a civilization, finally come down on the side of generosity and love and embrace the living organism, Gaia, that is our mother, Earth?
Men are geniuses sometimes. Frequently graceful. But scratch us and you’ll find a crazed coyote with his heart caught in a steel trap.
Every boy and man alive today have untapped promise, inherent in his soul. Recognizing our basic goodness, whatever god you believe in, is the problem all men face today.
The answer lies just one generation away: to respect the fundamental vulnerability of all boys and meet that vulnerability by nurturing each and every one – all children – as the sacred beings they are.*
copyright Bob Hartman March 2023 ^O^
References, links, notes and other interesting info
*Recently, the American Psychological Association (APA) recognized that boys and men have special challenges. To address them they have published guidelines for psychologists and counselors outlining standards of care in the way they treat boys and men and the problems they face. https://www.apa.org/about/policy/boys-men-practice-guidelines.pdf
*ASD is an “X-linked Trait” However, epigenetic factors that appear to influence the development of ASD include diet, chemical exposures, stress, disease processes, medications, and prenatal influences.
*If you are not familiar with the saying, it goes like this, “Many a man goes fishing, not knowing it’s not the fish they’re after”.
**The actual quotation is roughly: “War is the continuation of politics by other means”.
* Gratitude to Darcia Narvaez, Phd’s, brilliant and practical website, www.evolvednest.org
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